...best friends...

These two are the best of friends and its so cute to see. Parker knows who Jeremy is and watching him stare and smile at Jeremy is the sweetest thing :]

...being a mom...

We all have our own opinions on what being a mom means, but fortunately for the past 7 weeks, I have learned for myself what it means to be a mom.

Being a mom means...

putting yourself last

opening your heart completely

crying more than you ever knew you could

EVERYTHING makes you cry

learning what innocence looks like

there is ALWAYS laundry to be done

MY baby will always be the cutest baby around

NOTHING my baby does can gross me out

I can sleep later

nothing can make your heart melt the way a child's smile does

you really can never take too many pictures

you finally know what it feels like to be complete

Being Parker's mom is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I was sitting there watching him sleep the other, and I wondered to myself what did I do with myself before he was around. I don't remember life without him, and NEVER do I want to know a life without him again. I ask myself everyday what did I do in my life to deserve something so perfect. I am so thankful God has blessed me with the opportunity to be this little guys mom.

...true joy...

i have been blessed with theee most adorable, happy, loving little guy. he amazes me everyday with his big smiles as he looks right at me. nothing could make me happier than him smiling at me. so quickly he has become my very best friend.

...stay this little...

Your little hands wrapped around my finger
And it's so quiet in the world tonight
Your little eyelids flutter 'cause you're dreaming
So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light

To you, everything's funny
You got nothing to regret
I'd give all I have, honey
If you could stay like that

Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple

I won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart
No, no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, never grow up

...worth 1000 words...

Seriously this is my favorite picture. I love this little boy so much.

...heaven is for me...

holding a baby of one day,
tell us what heavens like we start to say.
he blinks and blinks,
we all just wonder what he thinks;
this world he thinks is just so new
but it seems the same to me and you

holding a baby of one day,
he starts to cry and we start to say,
soon it wont be like this
treasure all of this.
he's an angel everyone gleams
he's my angel mama beams

holding a baby of one day,
the nurse comes in and takes him away.
he's kinda sick the nurses say,
but in a little he'll be okay.
just stay here
pretty soon it'll all be clear.

holding a baby of one day,
he's doing better and now can stay.
he closes his eyes and starts to sleep,
mama's happy he's her's to keep.
very soon he'll be home,
and soon they'll be on their own.

holding her baby of one day,
mama starts to smile and begins to say,
with him i think i see
what heaven is for me
very soon he wont be so small
but for now i'll cherish it all

Halley-Samantha Arntz

...so THIS is love...

Tuesday, March 22, 2011. Was suppose to be just a normal check up with Dr. Watts, one of my last appointments before Parker would be born :]. However, when I went in for my appointment, my blood pressure was elevated so high Dr. Watts was a little concerned. My family was in town for the week so I playfully said, "well we should probably just induce labor today." Slightly just trying to be funny. I was not prepared for him to actually agree with me. My sister said my face lost all color when he turned to me and said ya lets do this. HA! I was so excited and scared and freaked out. All the sudden reality hit me. I was going to become a mom. Thank goodness my mom was with me and was able to drive me over to the hospital. I was shaking way too bad to hardly even walk, let alone drive. About an hour after being checked in and all dressed up and IV hooked up, Dr. Watts came in and broke my water and started the pitocin. Up until that point everyone was guessing Parker was going to weigh at least 8 pounds, even though he was going to be 2 weeks early. But, after breaking my water and seeing how much fluid there was in there and how little my belly got after that, everyone started second guessing there estimates.

So at this point it was just a waiting game. I got to the hospital around 3ish in the afternoon. Water broke and pitocin started around 5is. By 9 pm I was dilated to a 7. Everyone thought I was progressing so fast and they were certain Parker was going to arrive before midnight. Unfortunately, the little guy had different plans. He decided to be difficult. He was sunnyside up and with that, I stayed at a 7 up until around 2:30 am. Dr. Watts came in around 1:30 and told me that if I hadn't dilated further when he came back in 1 hour, he would have to do a c section. That terrified me. I never had made a birth plan, and I told myself to keep all options open, but when he said c section suddenly I had a birth plan haha, and a c section was not it. Luckily for me, when Dr. Watts came back and checked on me I had dilated to an 8.5. So no c section for me :] . Things progressed pretty quickly after that. by 4:30 am I started pushing. But because he was face up it took longer to get him out. I pushed for an hour and a half and at 6:06 am on Wednesday March 23, 2011 my life changed forever. Parker Dean was born. 6 pounds 10 ounces 20 inches long. Words will never be able to express how special that moment was. The second I saw him, the second I held him, everything was different. I couldn't remember what life was like without him. Seeing his face was like seeing someone I had known forever.

I had a fever when I delivered him, so he was born with a fever as well. The pediatrician got really nervous about it and decided to start Parker on a 7 day antibiotic cycle. That meant bad new for me and Jeremy. Parker was going to have to stay in the hospital for a whole week. They expected me to leave him there without me. I have never gone through something so hard in my life. Leaving him there every night with the nurses killed me and I didn't know how I would be able to do it the next night. But everyday the second I saw his sweet face in the morning I was happier than I had ever been in my life. Luckily he wasn't very sick, they were just taking extra caution to be safe. Finally on March 30 we were able to take him home. It was amazing to have him home with me.

I am so in love with this little boy. Friends have tried to explain to me the love a mother has for her child. And I thought I understood. Now I know I had no clue what they were saying.

...love, life, and such...

After having quite a few conversations, with quite a few people, I have learned so much about myself, my goals, the life I want to live, and the people I want in my life. The biggest thing I learned about myself is, I AM growing up. Since I spend everyday with myself, its not something I notice happening. Sometimes I still see myself as the high school girl I used to be. And honestly, I think part of me always wanted to be that girl; the life of the party, the one who never worries, the one who gets to spend all my money and attention all on myself. BUT this weekend, I saw myself in an invisible mirror, the kind of mirror that shows you your heart.

I love my husband. That seems like such a simple statement, but it holds so much meaning to me. I love him more than I ever thought I could love another person. Saying he completes me sounds so cheesy, but its so true. He is my best friend. I never thought I would settle down and stay in love with the same person for my whole life, but Jeremy found his way into my heart somehow and changed all of that for me. I love him more than I love myself. I cant explain this love, but I have seen others who are incapable of loving another person this deeply.

I am so excited to become a mom. To bring a life into this world and teach him how to love others. To run errands for him, have endless piles of laundry, my kitchen sink filled with dishes. I AM excited for all that. I want to become a mom and live that lifestyle. I am so excited to love this little baby and put him before myself. I want to give him all the love in the world. Some people have made it very clear of their perception of motherhood, and from their point of view motherhood is bleak and boring and redundant. But that's ok to me. Even if that were to hold true, I lose sleep at night caused by the excitement that overwhelms my heart knowing soon that will be my life.

I like being careful with my money. I am ok with wearing the same pair of shoes everyday, or only having 3 pairs of jeans that aren't name brand. In fact, I don't even know any of the name brand jeans, nor would I ever care to spend 100+ dollars on clothing. I'm ok with the fact that my money goes towards groceries and diapers and rent. Knowing I am responsible makes me feel better as a person.

I like being nice to people. I feel so icky if I ever make a person feel less of themself. That should never be my goal. I want to make people love themself they way they should. I cant stand it when a person tells me something I did was dumb, or a choice I made was dumb. I make a promise to myself to never purposely make a person feel dumb.

I want to be a good church go-er. I want that closeness with Heavenly Father. I WANT so badly, more than anything in this whole world, to be sealed to my husband and my sweet new baby. I always knew this would be important to me, but I never knew the feeling in my heart would be so strong. The longing to know I will be with them forever is so strong. Some people may have given up on having forever with a person they love, but I refuse to give that up.

...Slacking...

I am the worst at blogging. I cant believe how terrible I am. I have been blog stalking the last couple of days and I feel disappointed in myself that I don't document our life better.

We are having a baby boy in 6 weeks!! I am so sad that I haven't written down everyday how in love with baby I already am.

It was a slow process for me. For the longest time I didn't even believe I was pregnant. I would take test after test just to reassure myself this is all real. But not believing it had consequences too. I wasn't attached to this baby growing inside me. I didn't believe he was there so I couldn't be attached to something I didn't believe was really there. It made me sad. But once I saw that 20 week ultrasound I was hooked! That little boy moving around inside me was part of me and I am totally attached now. I am so in love with this little person that I haven't even touched yet.

We changed his name again. He is no longer going to be a Kouper Dean. His name now is Parker Dean. Jeremy and I no longer could agree on the Kouper spelling and so I said we might as well change the whole name. We both love Parker way more now and we are so excited!!

We have 6 more weeks left until he is born. And that seems soo far away. I just want to hold this little guy NOW. We are slowly getting his room ready. I am trying so hard to pace myself. Getting his stuff ready is the only thing I have left to get done, if I were to do it all right now, I would drive myself, and Jeremy, insane over the next 6 weeks. Jeremy's favorite thing to do right now is poke my stomach real hard and get Parker to kick his hand back. Its real fun for Jeremy, but Parker is quite a strong little guy and it slightly hurts me! But its so fun to see the excitement on Jeremy's face. I cant even imagine how hard it must be for the dad to not be able to feel his baby move all the time. So anytime he feels movements he loves it. Its cute to see him fall in love with this baby the way I am madly in love with this baby.