...Breast Cancer...

What a horrible horrible disease. In the past year and a half, my family has been plagues with breast cancer. My cute cousin who took all my beautiful wedding pictures was diagnosed the beginning of last year. Its been a hard year for her. Now, a year later, my sweet grandma, my mom's mom, has been diagnosed. She was informed that she had cancer in both sides of her breasts, and unfortunately they were both different types. Multiple doctors told her that it would be a long, tough road for her. Last week she had her surgery. The surgery that seems to be dehumanizing to so many women. Double mastectomy. My poor grandma. She was putting on such a brave face for everyone, but we could all tell that she was scared. We all were. This is something you never ever want to go through, you never want anyone to go through. After what seemed like forever the doctors informed everyone that her surgery was successful and they are 90% sure it is all out and she will not need chemo. SUCH A RELIEF!!! My mom said my grandpa just cried and said how happy he was. Such a special love those 2 have for each other.

Even though my grandma and my cousin have been able to recover, so far, I have decided to make and sell breast cancer wreaths. To help spread the love for those suffering. We all need to be aware that this can happen to any of us. I'm in the process of making my own website to buy the wreaths, but for now, anyone who is interested is more than welcome to email me and we can arrange it! crazyheartdecor@gmail.com

...random...

I don't really have anything specific to write about, but it's been awhile since I blogged, so I figured why not :]

I think I want to talk about my sisters. And my Parker ;]

I have been so incredibly blessed. I have two sisters who are my very best friends!

Brandy. My sister Brandy is the definition of beautiful and sincere. She has such a big heart and so much love for everyone. She lives soooo far far away from me and as we have gotten older the distance has become more unbearable for me. It's strange to grow up spending everyday with a person and then suddenly be thousands of miles apart. I look back on the days we lived with our parents and all the fun times we had. Dancing in the living room, playing babries, playing pranks on Halley, playing pranks on each other, planning our dream weddings. Our mom used to indulge our obsession with wedding planning and she would buy us all the wedding and bridal magazines we ever wanted. It was so much fun. Oh the days. Brandy is now about a month or less away from becoming a mom and I am so EXCITED to share motherhood with her and be able to learn and grow together as mothers. It will be such a special experience for us to share. She is going to be an amazing mom. And I can't wait to see that sweet baby's face :]

Halley. My sister Halley is also the definition of beautiful, but also the definition of innocence. When I look in Halley's eyes I can see how pure she is. She really has the biggest heart of anyone I know. For Christmas she made blankets and donated them to the Children's Hospital. I admire her so much. Halley and I are 9 years apart and in the beginning that was a big problem for us. I was able spend the whole summer with Halley and our friendship really grew. I miss her. Getting ready together in the bathroom. Running back and forth to each others room to see if our outfits look ok. Singing as loud as we can in the bathroom as if we are famous. Our horrible obsession with cherry coke and cotton candy. Disneyland and stalking the band. Halley knows all my secrets and does not judge. It's a special bond to share. She is beyond her years. She is too smart for her own good. Halley has experienced the real world and how harsh it can be, and yet, she still shines. You can still see that glow in her eyes. She's a special girl that Halley.

I love both of my sisters so so much. Part of my heart is always missing whenever I am not with them. This past year has been especially hard for our family and even though the trials were unbearable, the relationships that were built and strengthened are priceless. My sisters are my best friends and I would do anything for them.

PARKER

I am one lucky mom. Everyday I get to wake up to theee sweetest little happy face. And I get to go to bed every night with the most cuddly little guy. There is something special to be found in motherhood. And it doesn't hurt to have the cutest baby EVER.

Parker is now almost 11 months old. Where the heck does time go. Next month I will be throwing a birthday party!!! Wow. He wants to walk so so bad. Its really cute, but stressful at the same time. He forgets that he can't walk yet and he will let go of something and fall and bang his head. Poor guy has quite the collection of bruises. He is the pickiest eater ever. Eating time is stressful for me. He is the cutest little thing though. He has been so clingy to me the last month. I do love his need for me. I can't even walk out of the room without him screaming. He won't even let me leave him alone with Jeremy. I know it hurts Jeremy's feelings, but I secretly love it. He loves to give me kisses in the morning. He loves to flirt with himself in the mirror. He waves to everyone and everything. Its so cute. We just love this little guy so much!!

...sadness...

This week I have felt an unbearable amount of sadness. So this post will most likely be a ton of rambling and poor me whining. I just need to vent.

I miss me. I miss my life. I miss UTAH. Ah Utah. That place was home. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss my independence. I. Miss. My. KITTIES. Sometimes I just close my eyes and I'm walking through the door of our apartment. I know, its torturing me, but I cant not do it. I walk in and my kitties come running. I see my messy living room. I see my messy kitchen. Its all messy. But its MINE. I walk to my room and on the way I see Parker's room. Parker's cute room. Then I get to my room and see MY bathroom, I really need to clean it. Then I just collapse on my bed and start crying. Then suddenly I open my eyes and I'm not in my room on my bed. My kitties are gone. I miss those kitties. I know its silly and makes me look like the crazy cat lady, but I loved those kitties.

I am a mom. I am Parker's mom. I am a good mom. That little boy loves me. But I feel like no one respects that. Some people want to tell me how to do everything. I cant handle that anymore. I am his mom. We will do things on my schedule and what Parker and I feel comfortable to do. He's a happy baby. He knows he's loved and adored. My sanity is completely gone. Ok, i just needed to get that part out.

2011 was hands down the worst year. ASIDE from the birth of my sweet perfect little boy. He makes it all worth it. However, not everyone I know that had a horrible 2011 has a Parker to make it all worth going through. I know I cant bear everyone's burdens, but my heart physically hurts everyday knowing of the pain and suffering that some of my dearest closest loved ones are going through. 3 of my very best friends are all going through trials right now that I cant fix. I feel so helpless just standing on the sidelines watching them suffer. Seeing the sadness in their eyes. Its hard to handle. My sweet little sister is going through a trial I cant even touch. I cant fix it. I cant reach in her heart and hug it. I cant tell her all the pretty words I know and make it better. I admire my sister more than anybody probably and it physically makes me sick to know she is hurting as badly as she is.

I suffer from depression/bipolar disorder. This will be the biggest struggle for me. My husband, as much as I love him, doesn't understand what I'm going through, mentally and emotionally. If I hear the words "Just calm down", or "Cant you just try harder to be happy" one more time, I will lose my mind, literally. It is a nightmare to live with people that have no idea, or are insensitive to what I'm feeling and going through. I dread bedtime. Its when I feel the most alone. Its when I miss everything the most. I know Jeremy means well, but to struggle alone is the hardest thing.

I feel a little better now that I vented this all out. I am sad. I have bad days. I have severe anxiety. But, everyday I get to wake up to my greatest joy. My greatest accomplishment. The LOVE of my life. Parker :]

...adoption...

So many of us take being a parent for granted. We complain about it all too casually. There are so many out there that would give anything they could to be inconvenienced by parenthood.

Two of my very favorite people, Lacie and Jeff Bleak are starting the adoption process. I know it has been a long journey for them and most of it has been painful and unpleasant. These two are some of the most deserving people and want nothing more than to be parents. Please follow their blog and spread the message and keep them in mind and in your prayers.

So pretty please check out their blog and share it with everyone you know http://laciebleak.blogspot.com/

...motherhood is not a hobby...

"Motherhood is not a hobby, it is a calling. You do not collect children because you find them cuter than stamps. It is not something to do if you can squeeze the time in. It is what God gave you time for."

I love my Parker. I love being his mom. It is the biggest compliment to me that Heavenly Father thought enough of me to give me that little boy.

...the overdue post...

It may or may not be a coincidence that I have not updated our blog for over 6 months. So instead of filling everyone in, I'm just going to jump right into the here and now :]

Jeremy and I have a very busy little guy. He is our pride and joy. Parker Dean is now 9 months old!!!! Where the HECK has all the time gone!! I swear yesterday we were just bringing him home from the hospital!! Here is an update on our little guy...he has 6 teeth. He crawls everywhere, in the blink of an eye. He wants to walk so so so bad. He can stand on his own and get to standing all on his own as well. He loves to say mama. (I'm not quite sure he's actually calling me mama, but he does love to say it when reaching for me). He loves his aunt Sierra. LOVES her. He loves fruit. Baby food fruit or real fruit. The only veggies he will eat are sweet potatoes and corn. He is such a flirt. He will literally bat his eyelashes at strangers and smile a shy smile. Gets their attention every time. He loves his toys, although he has a very short attention span for them, he gets bored soo quick! He is the only baby I have ever seen get sick and still be too busy to actually be sick. He never lets it get him down! Crazy guy :] We love him so much. Words will never express how proud we are of him.

We now live in Farmington, New Mexico. Don't ask why, that's a topic I'll never touch.

We are living with Jeremy's grandma. This last year she has gotten more sick and Jeremy is helping take care of her. She holds a very special place in his heart. Jeremy's sister Sierra lives here with us. We have 2 dogs, Oscar and Cortez. They are the sweetest little puppies! Parker loves them lots. I miss Utah more than I will ever be able to express with a dry eye. Farmington isn't the worst place to live, it's just not home to me.

...best friends...

These two are the best of friends and its so cute to see. Parker knows who Jeremy is and watching him stare and smile at Jeremy is the sweetest thing :]