Thursday, January 19, 2012


This week I have felt an unbearable amount of sadness. So this post will most likely be a ton of rambling and poor me whining. I just need to vent.
I miss me. I miss my life. I miss UTAH. Ah Utah. That place was home. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss my independence. I. Miss. My. KITTIES. Sometimes I just close my eyes and I'm walking through the door of our apartment. I know, its torturing me, but I cant not do it. I walk in and my kitties come running. I see my messy living room. I see my messy kitchen. Its all messy. But its MINE. I walk to my room and on the way I see Parker's room. Parker's cute room. Then I get to my room and see MY bathroom, I really need to clean it. Then I just collapse on my bed and start crying. Then suddenly I open my eyes and I'm not in my room on my bed. My kitties are gone. I miss those kitties. I know its silly and makes me look like the crazy cat lady, but I loved those kitties.
I am a mom. I am Parker's mom. I am a good mom. That little boy loves me. But I feel like no one respects that. Some people want to tell me how to do everything. I cant handle that anymore. I am his mom. We will do things on my schedule and what Parker and I feel comfortable to do. He's a happy baby. He knows he's loved and adored. My sanity is completely gone. Ok, i just needed to get that part out.
2011 was hands down the worst year. ASIDE from the birth of my sweet perfect little boy. He makes it all worth it. However, not everyone I know that had a horrible 2011 has a Parker to make it all worth going through. I know I cant bear everyone's burdens, but my heart physically hurts everyday knowing of the pain and suffering that some of my dearest closest loved ones are going through. 3 of my very best friends are all going through trials right now that I cant fix. I feel so helpless just standing on the sidelines watching them suffer. Seeing the sadness in their eyes. Its hard to handle. My sweet little sister is going through a trial I cant even touch. I cant fix it. I cant reach in her heart and hug it. I cant tell her all the pretty words I know and make it better. I admire my sister more than anybody probably and it physically makes me sick to know she is hurting as badly as she is.
I suffer from depression/bipolar disorder. This will be the biggest struggle for me. My husband, as much as I love him, doesn't understand what I'm going through, mentally and emotionally. If I hear the words "Just calm down", or "Cant you just try harder to be happy" one more time, I will lose my mind, literally. It is a nightmare to live with people that have no idea, or are insensitive to what I'm feeling and going through. I dread bedtime. Its when I feel the most alone. Its when I miss everything the most. I know Jeremy means well, but to struggle alone is the hardest thing.
I feel a little better now that I vented this all out. I am sad. I have bad days. I have severe anxiety. But, everyday I get to wake up to my greatest joy. My greatest accomplishment. The LOVE of my life. Parker :]

1 comment:

  1. I am so glad you wrote this post. I am so glad you decided to share how you feel in your heart. Manda, I wish so badly I could fix this all for you. You are amazing and I love you so much.