...sadness...

This week I have felt an unbearable amount of sadness. So this post will most likely be a ton of rambling and poor me whining. I just need to vent.

I miss me. I miss my life. I miss UTAH. Ah Utah. That place was home. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss my independence. I. Miss. My. KITTIES. Sometimes I just close my eyes and I'm walking through the door of our apartment. I know, its torturing me, but I cant not do it. I walk in and my kitties come running. I see my messy living room. I see my messy kitchen. Its all messy. But its MINE. I walk to my room and on the way I see Parker's room. Parker's cute room. Then I get to my room and see MY bathroom, I really need to clean it. Then I just collapse on my bed and start crying. Then suddenly I open my eyes and I'm not in my room on my bed. My kitties are gone. I miss those kitties. I know its silly and makes me look like the crazy cat lady, but I loved those kitties.

I am a mom. I am Parker's mom. I am a good mom. That little boy loves me. But I feel like no one respects that. Some people want to tell me how to do everything. I cant handle that anymore. I am his mom. We will do things on my schedule and what Parker and I feel comfortable to do. He's a happy baby. He knows he's loved and adored. My sanity is completely gone. Ok, i just needed to get that part out.

2011 was hands down the worst year. ASIDE from the birth of my sweet perfect little boy. He makes it all worth it. However, not everyone I know that had a horrible 2011 has a Parker to make it all worth going through. I know I cant bear everyone's burdens, but my heart physically hurts everyday knowing of the pain and suffering that some of my dearest closest loved ones are going through. 3 of my very best friends are all going through trials right now that I cant fix. I feel so helpless just standing on the sidelines watching them suffer. Seeing the sadness in their eyes. Its hard to handle. My sweet little sister is going through a trial I cant even touch. I cant fix it. I cant reach in her heart and hug it. I cant tell her all the pretty words I know and make it better. I admire my sister more than anybody probably and it physically makes me sick to know she is hurting as badly as she is.

I suffer from depression/bipolar disorder. This will be the biggest struggle for me. My husband, as much as I love him, doesn't understand what I'm going through, mentally and emotionally. If I hear the words "Just calm down", or "Cant you just try harder to be happy" one more time, I will lose my mind, literally. It is a nightmare to live with people that have no idea, or are insensitive to what I'm feeling and going through. I dread bedtime. Its when I feel the most alone. Its when I miss everything the most. I know Jeremy means well, but to struggle alone is the hardest thing.

I feel a little better now that I vented this all out. I am sad. I have bad days. I have severe anxiety. But, everyday I get to wake up to my greatest joy. My greatest accomplishment. The LOVE of my life. Parker :]

...adoption...

So many of us take being a parent for granted. We complain about it all too casually. There are so many out there that would give anything they could to be inconvenienced by parenthood.

Two of my very favorite people, Lacie and Jeff Bleak are starting the adoption process. I know it has been a long journey for them and most of it has been painful and unpleasant. These two are some of the most deserving people and want nothing more than to be parents. Please follow their blog and spread the message and keep them in mind and in your prayers.

So pretty please check out their blog and share it with everyone you know http://laciebleak.blogspot.com/

...motherhood is not a hobby...

"Motherhood is not a hobby, it is a calling. You do not collect children because you find them cuter than stamps. It is not something to do if you can squeeze the time in. It is what God gave you time for."

I love my Parker. I love being his mom. It is the biggest compliment to me that Heavenly Father thought enough of me to give me that little boy.

...the overdue post...

It may or may not be a coincidence that I have not updated our blog for over 6 months. So instead of filling everyone in, I'm just going to jump right into the here and now :]

Jeremy and I have a very busy little guy. He is our pride and joy. Parker Dean is now 9 months old!!!! Where the HECK has all the time gone!! I swear yesterday we were just bringing him home from the hospital!! Here is an update on our little guy...he has 6 teeth. He crawls everywhere, in the blink of an eye. He wants to walk so so so bad. He can stand on his own and get to standing all on his own as well. He loves to say mama. (I'm not quite sure he's actually calling me mama, but he does love to say it when reaching for me). He loves his aunt Sierra. LOVES her. He loves fruit. Baby food fruit or real fruit. The only veggies he will eat are sweet potatoes and corn. He is such a flirt. He will literally bat his eyelashes at strangers and smile a shy smile. Gets their attention every time. He loves his toys, although he has a very short attention span for them, he gets bored soo quick! He is the only baby I have ever seen get sick and still be too busy to actually be sick. He never lets it get him down! Crazy guy :] We love him so much. Words will never express how proud we are of him.

We now live in Farmington, New Mexico. Don't ask why, that's a topic I'll never touch.

We are living with Jeremy's grandma. This last year she has gotten more sick and Jeremy is helping take care of her. She holds a very special place in his heart. Jeremy's sister Sierra lives here with us. We have 2 dogs, Oscar and Cortez. They are the sweetest little puppies! Parker loves them lots. I miss Utah more than I will ever be able to express with a dry eye. Farmington isn't the worst place to live, it's just not home to me.