...Parker Dean...

Parker Parker Parker! WHAT A SWEET BOY!! Seriously, if everyone in this world could have a heart as big as Parker, the world would be such a better place. He loves everyone. He has the cutest little laugh, when it's genuine. He has quite the obnoxious laugh also. My brother in law Andrew says Parker has the ability to make you feel stupid with that fake laugh. He cracks me up. He is so smart. So smart. He is a sponge. I really didn't think I would need to watch what I say so early on! He copies everything I say. He can say the following...

airplane
mom
dad
apple
banana
juice
bottle
car
charlee (except it comes out archie)
puppy
baby
down
help me
please
thank you
help you
love you
bath
poopy
open
papa
mama (for grandma)
hudsy
josh
sierra
bobbi (for my sister brandy)
halley (but it comes out hehe)
blue
yellow
snow
yes
no
shoes
socks
couch
cheese
elmo
lion
moo
fishy
amen

There might be more, but I can't remember anymore. He just loves to talk. He is 21 months old now. It might be a little too early, but I'm slowly, and I mean slowly, starting to potty train. His poor little bum seems to be allergic to all diapers these days. And he is always telling me when he needs me to change his diaper. So I feel like it's getting to be time. He thinks it's a fun game to ask me to put him on the toilet and then he just sits there and laughs. Silly guy. He loves his sister Charlee. He loves her so much. He is always giving her kisses and hugging her and trying to help calm her down when she cries. He melts my heart. He likes to tickle my back all the time. And give kisses. He is obsessed with Elmo these days. His favorite movie is Rio. He loves the bright colors and all the singing. He LOVES his grandmas and grandpas. And he loves his uncle Josh. They are best friends. He is learning to pray right now, so he is constantly folding his arms and saying "thank you, papa, amen". He recently has started going to nursery and last sunday when I peaked in on him he was sitting at the snack table like such a good little boy!! I was so impressed! He is the worlds pickiest eater. I'm lucky if I can get him to eat one full meal. He likes mac and cheese, sometimes he like quesidillas, grilled cheese, turkey, string cheese, rice chex cereal, target pretzels, chicken, french fries, scrambled eggs, he will eat anything with ketchup, and he LOVES cake pops from starbucks.

He is just the sweetest, funniest, NAUGHTIEST, most handsome little boy in the whole world.

...Charlee Bryn...

Well well well. To say I haven't posted in awhile would be quite an understatement :] Last time I posted I didn't even mention that I was pregnant. With a GIRL!! Theee most beautiful little girl you will ever see. Let me tell you about her :]

Charlee Bryn Gaskins. Born September 17, 2012 at 5:31 am. 6 pounds 12 ounces 19.5 inches long. She is so perfect. I went into labor on September 16 (papa johns birthday). I was so hopeful she would be born that day. My dad would have loved sharing a birthday wait her. My water broke around 5pm that afternoon. It was theee strangest thing. All day that day the time 4:50 kept flashing in my head. Low and behold my water broke right around that time. I knew it was going to happen that day. So we hurried and packed a to go bag and got a few things ready for Parker and left him with his aunt Sierra, Uncle Josh, and Grandpa Paul. I was so excited. The word doesn't even give how I felt justice. I was way more than excited. With Parker's delivery, watching the delivery was the most special thing I had ever experienced in my life. I was beyond excited to experience it again with my sweet daughter. When I got to the hospital I was only dilated to a 4. Sadly I stayed that way until about 3:30 am. And then I swallowed some water wrong and started choking haha and it made my water break all the way. And when I say break, I mean explode. It was really gross and embarrassing. It just kept gushing. Ha the nurses all laughed at me. Anyway, after that my nurse checked me and I had progressed to about a 5. By 4:30 am, I started feeling super weird movement with each contraction, so I had Jeremy call the nurse in to check me again, I just knew something wasn't right. Sure enough, she checked me again and said my little Charlee was stickng her hand out. Crazy girl. At first they wanted me to just wait it out and see if she would pull her hand back up, but within about 20 minutes they noticed that with each contraction her heart rate would drop dramatically. By about 5 am I was being rushed to the OR to have an emergency c section. Let me tell you, once they decide they are doing a c section, they don't waste any time!! One minute I was texting my mom to tell her they were CONSIDERING doing a c section, the next minute I'm signing all the paper work to have it done. I didn't even get to tell my mom haha. So then I'm being wheeled to the OR, and by this time MY doctor is there and I'm feeling so much better to see his face, a familiar face. I am so very awkward in stressful situations, it's like I freeze up and make such silly mistakes ha ha. So I have the epidural in, so of course I can't walk or really move, yet when they tried to move me to the operating table I tried to help them move me. And then I may or may not have screamed because I may or may not have thought I was going to fall. Oh Amanda. Ha ha. I was totally numb when they started the surgery. Let me tell you, a c section is one of theeee weirdest things to feel. There was no pain involved but you can feel all the pulling and tugging. Craziest thing to feel. Jeremy watched the whole thing. He says it was a really neat thing to watch. They said it would take them 5 minutes to cut me open and just a few more to get her out. Seriously those were the longest few minutes of my life. I kept asking Jeremy if he could see her yet. FINALLY the moment came. 5:31 am. I hear the most beautiful scream I've ever heard. The doctor brings her over to show me her, and I'm such a bad mom, the only thing I was trying so hard to focus on was her hair color. Jeremy and I were disagreeing about the possibility she would have dark hair. I just knew she would and Jeremy thought I was crazy. So I was concentrating on her hair to see if it was dark. Plus I was beyond out of it with all the drugs in me ha ha. So I see that her head is dark, but I cant decide if her hair is dark or if it's the blood. And then I say "she's so small". I should've said "she's so perfect. she's so beautiful". Ah. And then the pain set in. I guess, with a c section they fill you with gas to sew you up. Well the gas went to my chest and caused seriously the worst pain I've ever felt. I really thought I was having a heart attack and I was going to die before I was able to hold my baby. I'm just slightly dramatic. The doctor told me the pain was normal, but he could see my immense discomfort and probably the fear in my eyes so he hurried and gave me some more pain meds, as if I needed anymore. But the pain did go away immediately. So now I am incredibly drugged up and I can't sit up to save my life. I didn't get to hold Charlee for what seemed like forever. I had to wait for the medicine to wear off. So I asked Jeremy probably every two minutes to show me her and let me see her pefect face. PERFECT FACE. She just was perfect. She still is.

Now she is 3 months old. Can we please agree that time goes by waaaaaaay too fast when you're a mom!! Ah time just needs to slow down!! I got Charlee's ears pierced on December 13. Her ears look so so pretty with these little diaond studs in :] What a special girl I have. She LOVES attention. She is the happiest little girl I've ever met. She smiles all the time and it seriously is the prettiest smile you will ever see. At her 2 month check up she weighed 11 pounds 12 ounces and was 23 inches long. 75% for both of those, and her head was in the 25%. But the doctor said overall, she's in the 25%. So she's on the small side. Cute little thing. She's perfect and we are in love with her!

...Breast Cancer...

What a horrible horrible disease. In the past year and a half, my family has been plagues with breast cancer. My cute cousin who took all my beautiful wedding pictures was diagnosed the beginning of last year. Its been a hard year for her. Now, a year later, my sweet grandma, my mom's mom, has been diagnosed. She was informed that she had cancer in both sides of her breasts, and unfortunately they were both different types. Multiple doctors told her that it would be a long, tough road for her. Last week she had her surgery. The surgery that seems to be dehumanizing to so many women. Double mastectomy. My poor grandma. She was putting on such a brave face for everyone, but we could all tell that she was scared. We all were. This is something you never ever want to go through, you never want anyone to go through. After what seemed like forever the doctors informed everyone that her surgery was successful and they are 90% sure it is all out and she will not need chemo. SUCH A RELIEF!!! My mom said my grandpa just cried and said how happy he was. Such a special love those 2 have for each other.

Even though my grandma and my cousin have been able to recover, so far, I have decided to make and sell breast cancer wreaths. To help spread the love for those suffering. We all need to be aware that this can happen to any of us. I'm in the process of making my own website to buy the wreaths, but for now, anyone who is interested is more than welcome to email me and we can arrange it! crazyheartdecor@gmail.com

...random...

I don't really have anything specific to write about, but it's been awhile since I blogged, so I figured why not :]

I think I want to talk about my sisters. And my Parker ;]

I have been so incredibly blessed. I have two sisters who are my very best friends!

Brandy. My sister Brandy is the definition of beautiful and sincere. She has such a big heart and so much love for everyone. She lives soooo far far away from me and as we have gotten older the distance has become more unbearable for me. It's strange to grow up spending everyday with a person and then suddenly be thousands of miles apart. I look back on the days we lived with our parents and all the fun times we had. Dancing in the living room, playing babries, playing pranks on Halley, playing pranks on each other, planning our dream weddings. Our mom used to indulge our obsession with wedding planning and she would buy us all the wedding and bridal magazines we ever wanted. It was so much fun. Oh the days. Brandy is now about a month or less away from becoming a mom and I am so EXCITED to share motherhood with her and be able to learn and grow together as mothers. It will be such a special experience for us to share. She is going to be an amazing mom. And I can't wait to see that sweet baby's face :]

Halley. My sister Halley is also the definition of beautiful, but also the definition of innocence. When I look in Halley's eyes I can see how pure she is. She really has the biggest heart of anyone I know. For Christmas she made blankets and donated them to the Children's Hospital. I admire her so much. Halley and I are 9 years apart and in the beginning that was a big problem for us. I was able spend the whole summer with Halley and our friendship really grew. I miss her. Getting ready together in the bathroom. Running back and forth to each others room to see if our outfits look ok. Singing as loud as we can in the bathroom as if we are famous. Our horrible obsession with cherry coke and cotton candy. Disneyland and stalking the band. Halley knows all my secrets and does not judge. It's a special bond to share. She is beyond her years. She is too smart for her own good. Halley has experienced the real world and how harsh it can be, and yet, she still shines. You can still see that glow in her eyes. She's a special girl that Halley.

I love both of my sisters so so much. Part of my heart is always missing whenever I am not with them. This past year has been especially hard for our family and even though the trials were unbearable, the relationships that were built and strengthened are priceless. My sisters are my best friends and I would do anything for them.

PARKER

I am one lucky mom. Everyday I get to wake up to theee sweetest little happy face. And I get to go to bed every night with the most cuddly little guy. There is something special to be found in motherhood. And it doesn't hurt to have the cutest baby EVER.

Parker is now almost 11 months old. Where the heck does time go. Next month I will be throwing a birthday party!!! Wow. He wants to walk so so bad. Its really cute, but stressful at the same time. He forgets that he can't walk yet and he will let go of something and fall and bang his head. Poor guy has quite the collection of bruises. He is the pickiest eater ever. Eating time is stressful for me. He is the cutest little thing though. He has been so clingy to me the last month. I do love his need for me. I can't even walk out of the room without him screaming. He won't even let me leave him alone with Jeremy. I know it hurts Jeremy's feelings, but I secretly love it. He loves to give me kisses in the morning. He loves to flirt with himself in the mirror. He waves to everyone and everything. Its so cute. We just love this little guy so much!!

...sadness...

This week I have felt an unbearable amount of sadness. So this post will most likely be a ton of rambling and poor me whining. I just need to vent.

I miss me. I miss my life. I miss UTAH. Ah Utah. That place was home. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss my independence. I. Miss. My. KITTIES. Sometimes I just close my eyes and I'm walking through the door of our apartment. I know, its torturing me, but I cant not do it. I walk in and my kitties come running. I see my messy living room. I see my messy kitchen. Its all messy. But its MINE. I walk to my room and on the way I see Parker's room. Parker's cute room. Then I get to my room and see MY bathroom, I really need to clean it. Then I just collapse on my bed and start crying. Then suddenly I open my eyes and I'm not in my room on my bed. My kitties are gone. I miss those kitties. I know its silly and makes me look like the crazy cat lady, but I loved those kitties.

I am a mom. I am Parker's mom. I am a good mom. That little boy loves me. But I feel like no one respects that. Some people want to tell me how to do everything. I cant handle that anymore. I am his mom. We will do things on my schedule and what Parker and I feel comfortable to do. He's a happy baby. He knows he's loved and adored. My sanity is completely gone. Ok, i just needed to get that part out.

2011 was hands down the worst year. ASIDE from the birth of my sweet perfect little boy. He makes it all worth it. However, not everyone I know that had a horrible 2011 has a Parker to make it all worth going through. I know I cant bear everyone's burdens, but my heart physically hurts everyday knowing of the pain and suffering that some of my dearest closest loved ones are going through. 3 of my very best friends are all going through trials right now that I cant fix. I feel so helpless just standing on the sidelines watching them suffer. Seeing the sadness in their eyes. Its hard to handle. My sweet little sister is going through a trial I cant even touch. I cant fix it. I cant reach in her heart and hug it. I cant tell her all the pretty words I know and make it better. I admire my sister more than anybody probably and it physically makes me sick to know she is hurting as badly as she is.

I suffer from depression/bipolar disorder. This will be the biggest struggle for me. My husband, as much as I love him, doesn't understand what I'm going through, mentally and emotionally. If I hear the words "Just calm down", or "Cant you just try harder to be happy" one more time, I will lose my mind, literally. It is a nightmare to live with people that have no idea, or are insensitive to what I'm feeling and going through. I dread bedtime. Its when I feel the most alone. Its when I miss everything the most. I know Jeremy means well, but to struggle alone is the hardest thing.

I feel a little better now that I vented this all out. I am sad. I have bad days. I have severe anxiety. But, everyday I get to wake up to my greatest joy. My greatest accomplishment. The LOVE of my life. Parker :]

...adoption...

So many of us take being a parent for granted. We complain about it all too casually. There are so many out there that would give anything they could to be inconvenienced by parenthood.

Two of my very favorite people, Lacie and Jeff Bleak are starting the adoption process. I know it has been a long journey for them and most of it has been painful and unpleasant. These two are some of the most deserving people and want nothing more than to be parents. Please follow their blog and spread the message and keep them in mind and in your prayers.

So pretty please check out their blog and share it with everyone you know http://laciebleak.blogspot.com/

...motherhood is not a hobby...

"Motherhood is not a hobby, it is a calling. You do not collect children because you find them cuter than stamps. It is not something to do if you can squeeze the time in. It is what God gave you time for."

I love my Parker. I love being his mom. It is the biggest compliment to me that Heavenly Father thought enough of me to give me that little boy.