...love, life, and such...

After having quite a few conversations, with quite a few people, I have learned so much about myself, my goals, the life I want to live, and the people I want in my life. The biggest thing I learned about myself is, I AM growing up. Since I spend everyday with myself, its not something I notice happening. Sometimes I still see myself as the high school girl I used to be. And honestly, I think part of me always wanted to be that girl; the life of the party, the one who never worries, the one who gets to spend all my money and attention all on myself. BUT this weekend, I saw myself in an invisible mirror, the kind of mirror that shows you your heart.

I love my husband. That seems like such a simple statement, but it holds so much meaning to me. I love him more than I ever thought I could love another person. Saying he completes me sounds so cheesy, but its so true. He is my best friend. I never thought I would settle down and stay in love with the same person for my whole life, but Jeremy found his way into my heart somehow and changed all of that for me. I love him more than I love myself. I cant explain this love, but I have seen others who are incapable of loving another person this deeply.

I am so excited to become a mom. To bring a life into this world and teach him how to love others. To run errands for him, have endless piles of laundry, my kitchen sink filled with dishes. I AM excited for all that. I want to become a mom and live that lifestyle. I am so excited to love this little baby and put him before myself. I want to give him all the love in the world. Some people have made it very clear of their perception of motherhood, and from their point of view motherhood is bleak and boring and redundant. But that's ok to me. Even if that were to hold true, I lose sleep at night caused by the excitement that overwhelms my heart knowing soon that will be my life.

I like being careful with my money. I am ok with wearing the same pair of shoes everyday, or only having 3 pairs of jeans that aren't name brand. In fact, I don't even know any of the name brand jeans, nor would I ever care to spend 100+ dollars on clothing. I'm ok with the fact that my money goes towards groceries and diapers and rent. Knowing I am responsible makes me feel better as a person.

I like being nice to people. I feel so icky if I ever make a person feel less of themself. That should never be my goal. I want to make people love themself they way they should. I cant stand it when a person tells me something I did was dumb, or a choice I made was dumb. I make a promise to myself to never purposely make a person feel dumb.

I want to be a good church go-er. I want that closeness with Heavenly Father. I WANT so badly, more than anything in this whole world, to be sealed to my husband and my sweet new baby. I always knew this would be important to me, but I never knew the feeling in my heart would be so strong. The longing to know I will be with them forever is so strong. Some people may have given up on having forever with a person they love, but I refuse to give that up.

...Slacking...

I am the worst at blogging. I cant believe how terrible I am. I have been blog stalking the last couple of days and I feel disappointed in myself that I don't document our life better.

We are having a baby boy in 6 weeks!! I am so sad that I haven't written down everyday how in love with baby I already am.

It was a slow process for me. For the longest time I didn't even believe I was pregnant. I would take test after test just to reassure myself this is all real. But not believing it had consequences too. I wasn't attached to this baby growing inside me. I didn't believe he was there so I couldn't be attached to something I didn't believe was really there. It made me sad. But once I saw that 20 week ultrasound I was hooked! That little boy moving around inside me was part of me and I am totally attached now. I am so in love with this little person that I haven't even touched yet.

We changed his name again. He is no longer going to be a Kouper Dean. His name now is Parker Dean. Jeremy and I no longer could agree on the Kouper spelling and so I said we might as well change the whole name. We both love Parker way more now and we are so excited!!

We have 6 more weeks left until he is born. And that seems soo far away. I just want to hold this little guy NOW. We are slowly getting his room ready. I am trying so hard to pace myself. Getting his stuff ready is the only thing I have left to get done, if I were to do it all right now, I would drive myself, and Jeremy, insane over the next 6 weeks. Jeremy's favorite thing to do right now is poke my stomach real hard and get Parker to kick his hand back. Its real fun for Jeremy, but Parker is quite a strong little guy and it slightly hurts me! But its so fun to see the excitement on Jeremy's face. I cant even imagine how hard it must be for the dad to not be able to feel his baby move all the time. So anytime he feels movements he loves it. Its cute to see him fall in love with this baby the way I am madly in love with this baby.